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♫Hannukah in Santa Monica ♪by Tom Lehrer
Humor has been part of Judaism from the beginning. The Torah itself sees the wry side of human existence. Rabbinic commentaries on holy books are often based on puns. Judaism places so much emphasis on wisdom and scholarship. The Jews of Eastern Europe delighted in telling stories of the town of Chelm. God sent out two messengers out to seed the world with souls, one with a bag filled with wise souls, the other with a bag filled with the souls of fools. Near to where the town of Chelm was to be sited, there was a tall tree. The messengers with the bag filled with foolish souls flew too close too a tree. A branch tore the bag and all the foolish souls tumbled out.
A fire broke out one night in the city of Chelm and all the inhabitants rushed to the fiercely burning building to extinguish the blaze. When the conflagration had been put out, the rabbi mounted a table and addressed the citizens:
"My friends, this fire was a miracle sent from heaven above."
There were murmurs of surprise in the crowd, and the rabbi hastened to explain.
"Look at it this way," he said. "If it were not for the bright flames, how would we have been able to see how to put the fire out on such a dark night?"
* * * * * *
Jewish comedians have helped define humor in America. From the immigrants and their children who started on the borsht belt (Jewish summer retreats in the Catskill Mountains) to Hollywood, some of the best known comedians in America have been and continue to be Jewish. Some say that laughing at ourselves was a way of dealing with anti-Semitism in America. American Jewish humor often focused on the immigrants’ misunderstandings of English.
Citizenship
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell 'cultivate,' and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”
Lifeguard
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well.”
Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally, about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”
Saul replies, “Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!”
* * * * * *
Venerating ones parents is in enshrined in the Aseret Dibrot, the Ten Pronouncements (commandments). Jokes about their protectiveness and the use of guilt to control behavior of their offspring abound.
Jewish mothers and technology
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine.
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
Telegram from mama: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
Q & A about Jewish mothers.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
“(Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days?"
"Force yourself," she replied.
What is the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
* * * * * *
Jews celebrate the good times in life together and comfort one another in times of pain. Unique Jewish life cycle evens call for unique humor.
Bar Mitzvah Definition:
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
Dying at Home
An old Jewish man was dying. His grandchildren came to see him.
Grandson Ben said, “Hello, Zadie (grandpa). Can I do something for you?”
“Yes,” said Zadie. “Go tell Bubbie (grandma) I want some of her delicious chopped liver that she is making.”
Ben went to the kitchen and told Bubbie, who replied, “Go tell Zadie he can't have any chopped liver; it would kill him.”
Ben went back in and reported what she had said.
“You tell Bubbie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference.”
Ben went and told Bubbie, who said, “Go tell Zadie he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva. *”
*Shiva is the seven-day period of mourning following a funeral.h
Israel and News reporters
A New York Times reporter, a French TV reporter and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The Times reporter said, "Well, I'm a writer, so I would like to have a paper and pen so I can write a story about my own death. Maybe I will win a Pulitzer prize."
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the paper and pen. The reporter began writing his last story and said, "Now I can die content."
The French TV reporter said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my video recorder and describe the scene here and what is about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the video recorder and reporter started doing her final story. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me," said the soldier."
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me," insisted the Israeli.
So, the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his folding carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the soldier was untying the two reporters, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you first?"
"What?" replied the Israeli, "And have you two report that I was the aggressor?!"
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